The day started pretty bleak today. Paying bills, having a severe hangover, and thinking extremely about this girl who kicked my ass so hard her footprint is still visible on it (figuratively speaking, of course).
I woke up at 11:00 a.m. today and I sincerely thought I'd die of a massive cardiac arrest. Me and my band Inside The Sun practiced for the first time in 3 months yesterday for two hours and my drummer/bandmate and I went on a walking road trip amidst the light albeit annoying rain. Getting yourself wet in the rain like a rag after perspiring like a pig for two hours is pretty tiring. The shit was harder on my part because at the time we got wet which was at around 4:00 p.m., I've been awake for like 19 hours already since I work the midnight shift (literally - my shift starts at 12 fucking o'clock in the a.m.).
Anyway, when I eventually got home, I slumped helplessly on our couch after changing in a clean shirt and shorts and in about a minute or two after resting my head on the couch pillow, I was completely knocked out. I woke up a couple of times to piss and by the time I took a piss at around 10:50 a.m., I was slowly waking up to start my last rest day of the week from work. Such instances gave me grand ideas of not wasting the day away. To do this, however, I had to fucking kill the slowly growing migraine I was having and the seemingly heavy weight that was crushing my chest.
I took an aspirin, got my shit together and took off. My plan for the day was (a) go pay some bills at a bank in Makati City and (b) after paying the said bills, hang out with my buddy at work, Jeg.
After I finished my business at around 1:30 p.m., Jeg told me he was playing War Of Warcraft and it'll take the motherfucker two more hours or so. Fuck it. Instead, he invited me to join this dinner-and-poker-night with some friends from work at around 4:00 p.m. and was quite persuasive with his invitation. I obliged and I said I'd just kill some time in some book store and have some coffee and meet him afterwards for the said dinner.
I constructively spent a good 15-20 minutes in this second-hand book shop near the bank I went to, browsing through the paperbacks hoping to find a good read (which didn't happen). I eventually got a caffeine fix at a nearby coffee shop after the book store window shopping and wasted the time away to reach 4:00 p.m., which I diligently spent reading the local papers for the day.
Jeg and I met at a branch of Shopwise near his place some minutes past 4:00 p.m. and we went on our way to our friend's pad for the dinner.
The dinner itself started sometime past 8:00 p.m. and there were 9 people present including myself. Included in those people is the girl who for the longest time have been occupying my mind. She, for some arcane reason, is the girl I'm thinking of whenever I listen to "Big Me" by the Foo Fighters. Now, this is a song about a guy who's into a girl but the latter doesn't care about the former's feelings about her. Or something like that, shit, that's my interpretation of the lyrics (song).
Anyway, the night ended beautifully and I learned something quite valuable. By heart, I am a pessimist, a gloomy motherfucker who'd rather have things in Black than in White. This is a disposition I've been trying to use in my advantage all the time, basically life in general.
Then something profound happened. Something that usually happens in a comedy film and the ending doesn't quite equally sum up the film's parts.
Knowing that all is well.
Tonight was profound simply because I discovered that rejection and indifference should not define and build my character.
I've been rejected, dejected, humiliated, and utterly ridiculed but all of those things somehow made me realize that fuck it, life's not fair.
But...
It doesn't mean I have to lose Integrity and Altruism along the way.
Can't fucking help it.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Aftermath Of The Inferno
The cinders were alive
It wasn’t really surprising
To know that the burnout
Turned out to be pretty interesting
Self-respect stoked the flame
It withstood the pits of being pathetic
The inconvenience of being taken as a joke
The embarrassment of being too “serious”
All is well
The ashes have settled to their final place
Burn like a combustive bad memory
Burn like the hottest cinder ever
Burn
Indifferent cold motherfucking witch.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
The Arsonist In Action (Burn Notice)
The sound of a new bridge creaking
Is the sound of failure in its early stage
Self-respect has been taken for granted
Took a back seat to a Past
That’s replete with neglect and hate
The gas and matches are at hand
Let me burn a relatively new bridge
That connects opposite traits and intentions
Sincerity and Doubt
Altruism and Contempt
Kindess and Cruelty
I started on the right foot but things went wrong
Somehow
Something
Went terribly wrong and now I can see clearly
The smell of burning wood, rope and memories
Is the smell of being free
Freed from thinking about
Rejection
Desolation
Disappointment
When the smoke clears and the bridge turns to ash
Completely
Then it’s evident
That everything is well and good
With myself and yourself
Your head and my heart
My head and your heart
Your indifference and my sincere intentions
Godspeed, you cruel and unforgiving monster.
Is the sound of failure in its early stage
Self-respect has been taken for granted
Took a back seat to a Past
That’s replete with neglect and hate
The gas and matches are at hand
Let me burn a relatively new bridge
That connects opposite traits and intentions
Sincerity and Doubt
Altruism and Contempt
Kindess and Cruelty
I started on the right foot but things went wrong
Somehow
Something
Went terribly wrong and now I can see clearly
The smell of burning wood, rope and memories
Is the smell of being free
Freed from thinking about
Rejection
Desolation
Disappointment
When the smoke clears and the bridge turns to ash
Completely
Then it’s evident
That everything is well and good
With myself and yourself
Your head and my heart
My head and your heart
Your indifference and my sincere intentions
Godspeed, you cruel and unforgiving monster.
Parasite Love Song
Suck and suck. Suckin up all you can suckin up all you can suck.
Workin up under my patience like a little tick.
Fat little parasite. Suck me dry.
My fruit is bruised and borrowed. (You thieving bastards.)
You have turned my blood cold and bitter,
beat my compassion black and blue.
Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
'Cuz this is what you’re getting.
I hope you’re choking. I hope you choke on this.
I hope you’re choking. I hope you choke on this.
Taken all I can taken all I can, we can take.
Taken all you can taken you can, we can take.
Got nothing left to give to you.
Blood suckin parasitic little blood suckin parasitic little
blood suckin parasitic little tick
Take what you want and then go.
Suck me dry.
Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you had in mind?
Is this what you wanted?
Cuz this is what you’re getting.
I hope, I hope, I hope you choke.
- “Ticks and Leeches” by Maynard James Keenan (Tool from Lateralus)
This song is my current soundtrack right now. I’m listening to a whole lot of Darkthrone albums this past week but I always see to it that I put Tool’s Lateralus album on whenever I can and be blown away and be comforted by this song.
The lyrics do it for me. Hearing Tool singer Maynard James Keenan spew forth the venomous bite of his lyrics is nothing short of a transcendental feeling, a spiritual release. Like a deer caught in an 18-wheeler truck’s headlights on a breezy October evening, wondering about the what-could-have-beens become useless when the WHAT-SHOULD-BE becomes staggeringly apparent.
Surprisingly, I didn't have to go down completely in The Pits to get a firm hold of myself. I just needed to stop and think carefully, weigh the loss accurately and use my fucking brain for a while. And then I knew I was going to be A-OK.
Choke.
Workin up under my patience like a little tick.
Fat little parasite. Suck me dry.
My fruit is bruised and borrowed. (You thieving bastards.)
You have turned my blood cold and bitter,
beat my compassion black and blue.
Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
'Cuz this is what you’re getting.
I hope you’re choking. I hope you choke on this.
I hope you’re choking. I hope you choke on this.
Taken all I can taken all I can, we can take.
Taken all you can taken you can, we can take.
Got nothing left to give to you.
Blood suckin parasitic little blood suckin parasitic little
blood suckin parasitic little tick
Take what you want and then go.
Suck me dry.
Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you had in mind?
Is this what you wanted?
Cuz this is what you’re getting.
I hope, I hope, I hope you choke.
- “Ticks and Leeches” by Maynard James Keenan (Tool from Lateralus)
This song is my current soundtrack right now. I’m listening to a whole lot of Darkthrone albums this past week but I always see to it that I put Tool’s Lateralus album on whenever I can and be blown away and be comforted by this song.
The lyrics do it for me. Hearing Tool singer Maynard James Keenan spew forth the venomous bite of his lyrics is nothing short of a transcendental feeling, a spiritual release. Like a deer caught in an 18-wheeler truck’s headlights on a breezy October evening, wondering about the what-could-have-beens become useless when the WHAT-SHOULD-BE becomes staggeringly apparent.
Surprisingly, I didn't have to go down completely in The Pits to get a firm hold of myself. I just needed to stop and think carefully, weigh the loss accurately and use my fucking brain for a while. And then I knew I was going to be A-OK.
Choke.
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Rolling Eyes To The Tune Of Maddening Sighs
My band that's immensely influenced by Black Sabbath (first 4 albums) and Mastodon (all albums) was supposed to have a band practice RIGHT NOW, 1pm to 3pm, on this lovely sunny Sunday afternoon but at around 12:55pm, I received a text message from my guitarist bandmate saying he and our drummer (they're brothers) won't be able to make it because of some last minute family affair they had to attend.
Fuck.
So here I am at the internet cafe where I printed my thesis back in 2005. The band practice space my band uses is just above where I'm at right now. I've been awake for about 19 hours now - and counting - and my brain's too fucking fried to think of anything remotely progressive or constructive to do. About two months ago, I've read somewhere that normal human beings use only about 10% of their brains in everyday functions whereas the terribly shrewd fuckers, like Albert Einstein, use (or in Einstein's case, used) about 15% of their brain's potential. That is some fascinating and frightening information. First, come on, if that wasn't fascinating, then Michael Jackson is indeed white. Second, it's scary because if normal humans only use a tenth of their brain's capabilities in their lives, there's a whole lot of untapped possibilities that's being left wasted.
I wouldn't want that to fucking happen to me. Being ugly and destitute is one thing but being a fucking dumb piece of shit is quite another. I'd like to use at least 12% of my brain. Ha.
The day is still young and I am not yet on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of sleep deprivation. There's still a lot of possible constructive shit to be done.
(a lightbulb flashes on top of my head)
I'll go home.
Drink black coffee.
Work on my my zine IA's issue #8's layout while listening to Bad Religion's late 1980's to early 1990's albums.
Then I'll think about the girl I've been thinking about these past several weeks and wonder if she's thinking about me, too...What a fucking loser, huh?
Fuck.
So here I am at the internet cafe where I printed my thesis back in 2005. The band practice space my band uses is just above where I'm at right now. I've been awake for about 19 hours now - and counting - and my brain's too fucking fried to think of anything remotely progressive or constructive to do. About two months ago, I've read somewhere that normal human beings use only about 10% of their brains in everyday functions whereas the terribly shrewd fuckers, like Albert Einstein, use (or in Einstein's case, used) about 15% of their brain's potential. That is some fascinating and frightening information. First, come on, if that wasn't fascinating, then Michael Jackson is indeed white. Second, it's scary because if normal humans only use a tenth of their brain's capabilities in their lives, there's a whole lot of untapped possibilities that's being left wasted.
I wouldn't want that to fucking happen to me. Being ugly and destitute is one thing but being a fucking dumb piece of shit is quite another. I'd like to use at least 12% of my brain. Ha.
The day is still young and I am not yet on the verge of a nervous breakdown because of sleep deprivation. There's still a lot of possible constructive shit to be done.
(a lightbulb flashes on top of my head)
I'll go home.
Drink black coffee.
Work on my my zine IA's issue #8's layout while listening to Bad Religion's late 1980's to early 1990's albums.
Then I'll think about the girl I've been thinking about these past several weeks and wonder if she's thinking about me, too...What a fucking loser, huh?
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Broken Thoughts
I've just finished listening to Iron Maiden's Killers album the other day when a string of vicious facts hit me hard: I was (A) not dating any woman, (B) I'm ugly (which is greatly correlated to fact letter A) and (C) I'm terribly broke (which in itself greatly affects the previous two reasons).
Busrides
Riding buses in Metro Manila is an interesting experience. It keeps you grounded. You get to ride with people that's extremely different from each other, from bank tellers to hard labor workers, to call-center agents to bored 9-to-5ers, a busride somehow acts as some sort of an equalizer to a palpably unequal society.
The weirdest shit I've seen during a busride happend early this year, around late January. There was this female call-center agent who got punched in the head by the female bus conductor. First of all, female bus conductors (those who sell tickets) are rare. Second, the physical commotion happened moments after I boarded the bus which was on the corner of Taft Avenue and Gil Puyat Avenue in Pasay and Makati's border.
Anyway, the verbal tussle between the female passenger and female bus conductor apparently started when the former was insisting she had paid her fare already. The latter was vehemently denying this and was creatively cursing in Filipino, curses which I honestly think don't have any English counterparts but them curses were very very intense in meaning, if you get my drift. Then the bus conductor began giving the female call-center agent a beatdown, an intense one. It was bad. I couldn't believe the other passengers were not doing anything about the situation. Maybe they were just minding their own business. As impossible as it may seem, I think there could have been at least a witness to the situation if the female call-center agent had paid her fare or not but no one was stepping up to alleviate the tension. Eventually, I've had enough of the uncalled-for violence and I tried to pacify the bus conductor and told her to calm down. After about a couple more punches, she miraculously stopped.
The female call-center agent then began telling the conductor that she had indeed paid her fare already and the former flashed her company/employer's ID to the latter to prove that she has integrity and has paid already. But the bus conductor wouldn't have any of it. On a side note, I think the call-center chick had lost her ticket already, for some reason.
Two blocks or so later, the call-center agent left. Minutes after she had left, the bus conductor was still as pissed as shit.
I paid my fare moments before the aforementioned confrontation occurred. When I finally arrived at my stop on Ayala Avenue in Makati, the bus conductor asked me if I had paid my fare already. I showed her my ticket and she looked at it with distrust screaming from her face. I left the bus unscathed from any violence, verbally or otherwise.
I think a degree of injustice happened that day.
The female call-center agent then began telling the conductor that she had indeed paid her fare already and the former flashed her company/employer's ID to the latter to prove that she has integrity and has paid already. But the bus conductor wouldn't have any of it. On a side note, I think the call-center chick had lost her ticket already, for some reason.
Two blocks or so later, the call-center agent left. Minutes after she had left, the bus conductor was still as pissed as shit.
I paid my fare moments before the aforementioned confrontation occurred. When I finally arrived at my stop on Ayala Avenue in Makati, the bus conductor asked me if I had paid my fare already. I showed her my ticket and she looked at it with distrust screaming from her face. I left the bus unscathed from any violence, verbally or otherwise.
I think a degree of injustice happened that day.
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