This is getting too much.
I can't stop thinking about you and by the looks of it I won't be able to stop.
If it's a bad thing or a good thing, only time can tell.
I hope the feeling's mutual.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Today Is The Day
I didn't want today to end.
It's one of those extremely rare cases when my day's going about wonderfully and all I can think of is for time to stop and freeze the day on its bloody tracks. The exact opposite of being fucked-up, the antithesis to depression, and the absence of abhorrence.
I've been awake for 29 hours straight already and have been awake for 23 hours out of the day's 24 hours. For some peculiar reason my mind's as if it had just woke up from a sound 8 hours of sleep, but I know that once I surrender to bed my body's going to shut itself right away to sleep. The feeling is profound and somehow my mind's as sharp as a Benihana chef's knife.
Goddammit.
I don't give a fuck what it all meant or why it happened, all I know is that it's been a long time since I felt this way. I feel extremely mighty good.
Spending time alone with YOU is beyond euphoric.
Let's do it again, ok?
It's one of those extremely rare cases when my day's going about wonderfully and all I can think of is for time to stop and freeze the day on its bloody tracks. The exact opposite of being fucked-up, the antithesis to depression, and the absence of abhorrence.
I've been awake for 29 hours straight already and have been awake for 23 hours out of the day's 24 hours. For some peculiar reason my mind's as if it had just woke up from a sound 8 hours of sleep, but I know that once I surrender to bed my body's going to shut itself right away to sleep. The feeling is profound and somehow my mind's as sharp as a Benihana chef's knife.
Goddammit.
I don't give a fuck what it all meant or why it happened, all I know is that it's been a long time since I felt this way. I feel extremely mighty good.
Spending time alone with YOU is beyond euphoric.
Let's do it again, ok?
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Fat
I was 30 lbs. overweight 4 months ago and about 50 lbs. heavier about a year ago and the fact made me intensely fucking sick to my fucking stomach. I knew I was tremendously out of shape because whenever I walk beyond 50 lousy footsteps, I'd be panting like a pig. I knew it was bad. I had to take some action. It was either Cardiac Arrest or Aneurysm that was waiting for me and I didn't fucking like the idea.
Today, I am 32 lbs. lighter and I'll try like hell to shed some 8 lbs. more within the next 2 weeks. Then I'm at my "ideal" body weight. Fuck beefy and tough-guy looking airheads who pump iron to get laid and develop muscles for show.
GET YER FUCKEN HEADS OFF YER ASSES, YOU DUMB ILLITERATE MOTHERFUCKERS. The health benefits of being in shape should not be taken for granted for pompous vanity reasons. Shit.
Now where were we...I have to run 4 more times in the next week and do the exercises I have been doing these past several weeks and hopefully, I can finally, FINALLY, sit back and finish my first fucking book already, that thing's taking too long to finish.
Ho ho ho.
Today, I am 32 lbs. lighter and I'll try like hell to shed some 8 lbs. more within the next 2 weeks. Then I'm at my "ideal" body weight. Fuck beefy and tough-guy looking airheads who pump iron to get laid and develop muscles for show.
GET YER FUCKEN HEADS OFF YER ASSES, YOU DUMB ILLITERATE MOTHERFUCKERS. The health benefits of being in shape should not be taken for granted for pompous vanity reasons. Shit.
Now where were we...I have to run 4 more times in the next week and do the exercises I have been doing these past several weeks and hopefully, I can finally, FINALLY, sit back and finish my first fucking book already, that thing's taking too long to finish.
Ho ho ho.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Something Happend Today And For Some Change It Wasn't Fucking Gloomy
The day started pretty bleak today. Paying bills, having a severe hangover, and thinking extremely about this girl who kicked my ass so hard her footprint is still visible on it (figuratively speaking, of course).
I woke up at 11:00 a.m. today and I sincerely thought I'd die of a massive cardiac arrest. Me and my band Inside The Sun practiced for the first time in 3 months yesterday for two hours and my drummer/bandmate and I went on a walking road trip amidst the light albeit annoying rain. Getting yourself wet in the rain like a rag after perspiring like a pig for two hours is pretty tiring. The shit was harder on my part because at the time we got wet which was at around 4:00 p.m., I've been awake for like 19 hours already since I work the midnight shift (literally - my shift starts at 12 fucking o'clock in the a.m.).
Anyway, when I eventually got home, I slumped helplessly on our couch after changing in a clean shirt and shorts and in about a minute or two after resting my head on the couch pillow, I was completely knocked out. I woke up a couple of times to piss and by the time I took a piss at around 10:50 a.m., I was slowly waking up to start my last rest day of the week from work. Such instances gave me grand ideas of not wasting the day away. To do this, however, I had to fucking kill the slowly growing migraine I was having and the seemingly heavy weight that was crushing my chest.
I took an aspirin, got my shit together and took off. My plan for the day was (a) go pay some bills at a bank in Makati City and (b) after paying the said bills, hang out with my buddy at work, Jeg.
After I finished my business at around 1:30 p.m., Jeg told me he was playing War Of Warcraft and it'll take the motherfucker two more hours or so. Fuck it. Instead, he invited me to join this dinner-and-poker-night with some friends from work at around 4:00 p.m. and was quite persuasive with his invitation. I obliged and I said I'd just kill some time in some book store and have some coffee and meet him afterwards for the said dinner.
I constructively spent a good 15-20 minutes in this second-hand book shop near the bank I went to, browsing through the paperbacks hoping to find a good read (which didn't happen). I eventually got a caffeine fix at a nearby coffee shop after the book store window shopping and wasted the time away to reach 4:00 p.m., which I diligently spent reading the local papers for the day.
Jeg and I met at a branch of Shopwise near his place some minutes past 4:00 p.m. and we went on our way to our friend's pad for the dinner.
The dinner itself started sometime past 8:00 p.m. and there were 9 people present including myself. Included in those people is the girl who for the longest time have been occupying my mind. She, for some arcane reason, is the girl I'm thinking of whenever I listen to "Big Me" by the Foo Fighters. Now, this is a song about a guy who's into a girl but the latter doesn't care about the former's feelings about her. Or something like that, shit, that's my interpretation of the lyrics (song).
Anyway, the night ended beautifully and I learned something quite valuable. By heart, I am a pessimist, a gloomy motherfucker who'd rather have things in Black than in White. This is a disposition I've been trying to use in my advantage all the time, basically life in general.
Then something profound happened. Something that usually happens in a comedy film and the ending doesn't quite equally sum up the film's parts.
Knowing that all is well.
Tonight was profound simply because I discovered that rejection and indifference should not define and build my character.
I've been rejected, dejected, humiliated, and utterly ridiculed but all of those things somehow made me realize that fuck it, life's not fair.
But...
It doesn't mean I have to lose Integrity and Altruism along the way.
Can't fucking help it.
I woke up at 11:00 a.m. today and I sincerely thought I'd die of a massive cardiac arrest. Me and my band Inside The Sun practiced for the first time in 3 months yesterday for two hours and my drummer/bandmate and I went on a walking road trip amidst the light albeit annoying rain. Getting yourself wet in the rain like a rag after perspiring like a pig for two hours is pretty tiring. The shit was harder on my part because at the time we got wet which was at around 4:00 p.m., I've been awake for like 19 hours already since I work the midnight shift (literally - my shift starts at 12 fucking o'clock in the a.m.).
Anyway, when I eventually got home, I slumped helplessly on our couch after changing in a clean shirt and shorts and in about a minute or two after resting my head on the couch pillow, I was completely knocked out. I woke up a couple of times to piss and by the time I took a piss at around 10:50 a.m., I was slowly waking up to start my last rest day of the week from work. Such instances gave me grand ideas of not wasting the day away. To do this, however, I had to fucking kill the slowly growing migraine I was having and the seemingly heavy weight that was crushing my chest.
I took an aspirin, got my shit together and took off. My plan for the day was (a) go pay some bills at a bank in Makati City and (b) after paying the said bills, hang out with my buddy at work, Jeg.
After I finished my business at around 1:30 p.m., Jeg told me he was playing War Of Warcraft and it'll take the motherfucker two more hours or so. Fuck it. Instead, he invited me to join this dinner-and-poker-night with some friends from work at around 4:00 p.m. and was quite persuasive with his invitation. I obliged and I said I'd just kill some time in some book store and have some coffee and meet him afterwards for the said dinner.
I constructively spent a good 15-20 minutes in this second-hand book shop near the bank I went to, browsing through the paperbacks hoping to find a good read (which didn't happen). I eventually got a caffeine fix at a nearby coffee shop after the book store window shopping and wasted the time away to reach 4:00 p.m., which I diligently spent reading the local papers for the day.
Jeg and I met at a branch of Shopwise near his place some minutes past 4:00 p.m. and we went on our way to our friend's pad for the dinner.
The dinner itself started sometime past 8:00 p.m. and there were 9 people present including myself. Included in those people is the girl who for the longest time have been occupying my mind. She, for some arcane reason, is the girl I'm thinking of whenever I listen to "Big Me" by the Foo Fighters. Now, this is a song about a guy who's into a girl but the latter doesn't care about the former's feelings about her. Or something like that, shit, that's my interpretation of the lyrics (song).
Anyway, the night ended beautifully and I learned something quite valuable. By heart, I am a pessimist, a gloomy motherfucker who'd rather have things in Black than in White. This is a disposition I've been trying to use in my advantage all the time, basically life in general.
Then something profound happened. Something that usually happens in a comedy film and the ending doesn't quite equally sum up the film's parts.
Knowing that all is well.
Tonight was profound simply because I discovered that rejection and indifference should not define and build my character.
I've been rejected, dejected, humiliated, and utterly ridiculed but all of those things somehow made me realize that fuck it, life's not fair.
But...
It doesn't mean I have to lose Integrity and Altruism along the way.
Can't fucking help it.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Aftermath Of The Inferno
The cinders were alive
It wasn’t really surprising
To know that the burnout
Turned out to be pretty interesting
Self-respect stoked the flame
It withstood the pits of being pathetic
The inconvenience of being taken as a joke
The embarrassment of being too “serious”
All is well
The ashes have settled to their final place
Burn like a combustive bad memory
Burn like the hottest cinder ever
Burn
Indifferent cold motherfucking witch.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
The Arsonist In Action (Burn Notice)
The sound of a new bridge creaking
Is the sound of failure in its early stage
Self-respect has been taken for granted
Took a back seat to a Past
That’s replete with neglect and hate
The gas and matches are at hand
Let me burn a relatively new bridge
That connects opposite traits and intentions
Sincerity and Doubt
Altruism and Contempt
Kindess and Cruelty
I started on the right foot but things went wrong
Somehow
Something
Went terribly wrong and now I can see clearly
The smell of burning wood, rope and memories
Is the smell of being free
Freed from thinking about
Rejection
Desolation
Disappointment
When the smoke clears and the bridge turns to ash
Completely
Then it’s evident
That everything is well and good
With myself and yourself
Your head and my heart
My head and your heart
Your indifference and my sincere intentions
Godspeed, you cruel and unforgiving monster.
Is the sound of failure in its early stage
Self-respect has been taken for granted
Took a back seat to a Past
That’s replete with neglect and hate
The gas and matches are at hand
Let me burn a relatively new bridge
That connects opposite traits and intentions
Sincerity and Doubt
Altruism and Contempt
Kindess and Cruelty
I started on the right foot but things went wrong
Somehow
Something
Went terribly wrong and now I can see clearly
The smell of burning wood, rope and memories
Is the smell of being free
Freed from thinking about
Rejection
Desolation
Disappointment
When the smoke clears and the bridge turns to ash
Completely
Then it’s evident
That everything is well and good
With myself and yourself
Your head and my heart
My head and your heart
Your indifference and my sincere intentions
Godspeed, you cruel and unforgiving monster.
Parasite Love Song
Suck and suck. Suckin up all you can suckin up all you can suck.
Workin up under my patience like a little tick.
Fat little parasite. Suck me dry.
My fruit is bruised and borrowed. (You thieving bastards.)
You have turned my blood cold and bitter,
beat my compassion black and blue.
Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
'Cuz this is what you’re getting.
I hope you’re choking. I hope you choke on this.
I hope you’re choking. I hope you choke on this.
Taken all I can taken all I can, we can take.
Taken all you can taken you can, we can take.
Got nothing left to give to you.
Blood suckin parasitic little blood suckin parasitic little
blood suckin parasitic little tick
Take what you want and then go.
Suck me dry.
Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you had in mind?
Is this what you wanted?
Cuz this is what you’re getting.
I hope, I hope, I hope you choke.
- “Ticks and Leeches” by Maynard James Keenan (Tool from Lateralus)
This song is my current soundtrack right now. I’m listening to a whole lot of Darkthrone albums this past week but I always see to it that I put Tool’s Lateralus album on whenever I can and be blown away and be comforted by this song.
The lyrics do it for me. Hearing Tool singer Maynard James Keenan spew forth the venomous bite of his lyrics is nothing short of a transcendental feeling, a spiritual release. Like a deer caught in an 18-wheeler truck’s headlights on a breezy October evening, wondering about the what-could-have-beens become useless when the WHAT-SHOULD-BE becomes staggeringly apparent.
Surprisingly, I didn't have to go down completely in The Pits to get a firm hold of myself. I just needed to stop and think carefully, weigh the loss accurately and use my fucking brain for a while. And then I knew I was going to be A-OK.
Choke.
Workin up under my patience like a little tick.
Fat little parasite. Suck me dry.
My fruit is bruised and borrowed. (You thieving bastards.)
You have turned my blood cold and bitter,
beat my compassion black and blue.
Hope this is what you wanted.
Hope this is what you had in mind.
'Cuz this is what you’re getting.
I hope you’re choking. I hope you choke on this.
I hope you’re choking. I hope you choke on this.
Taken all I can taken all I can, we can take.
Taken all you can taken you can, we can take.
Got nothing left to give to you.
Blood suckin parasitic little blood suckin parasitic little
blood suckin parasitic little tick
Take what you want and then go.
Suck me dry.
Is this what you wanted?
Is this what you had in mind?
Is this what you wanted?
Cuz this is what you’re getting.
I hope, I hope, I hope you choke.
- “Ticks and Leeches” by Maynard James Keenan (Tool from Lateralus)
This song is my current soundtrack right now. I’m listening to a whole lot of Darkthrone albums this past week but I always see to it that I put Tool’s Lateralus album on whenever I can and be blown away and be comforted by this song.
The lyrics do it for me. Hearing Tool singer Maynard James Keenan spew forth the venomous bite of his lyrics is nothing short of a transcendental feeling, a spiritual release. Like a deer caught in an 18-wheeler truck’s headlights on a breezy October evening, wondering about the what-could-have-beens become useless when the WHAT-SHOULD-BE becomes staggeringly apparent.
Surprisingly, I didn't have to go down completely in The Pits to get a firm hold of myself. I just needed to stop and think carefully, weigh the loss accurately and use my fucking brain for a while. And then I knew I was going to be A-OK.
Choke.
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